10 Human Jobs Cats Would be Amazing At

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If ever you’ve thought to yourself, “My cat has more brain cells than the person doing this particular job,” you would not be alone. In fact, many of us have similar thoughts on a regular basis. In fact, I thought this just the other day when I went through the drive-thru at a nameless fast food chain to order my daughter an M&M McFlurry for having an outstanding letter from her teacher in hand to give to us telling us, once again, just what a pleasure, delight and absolute genius she is and it took the person at the window 15 minutes to get the order – of one whole item – straight. Cats are smart, and they’re really cute. This means we think that they would, quite naturally, but so much better than some people at their jobs and that’s why we’ve created this fun and probably very true list of jobs that cats would likely do better than some people. Not all people, of course, but some people. Cats are just that much more intelligent and capable than some of the people living on this earth, sad as that might be.

Super Spy

My cat, for one, is very capable of hiding out without anyone being able to find him, and we think it’s because he’s a super spy. He’s quite good at doing this and he can get into anything, fit anywhere and somehow make his presence completely unknown to us without even trying. It’s a skill, I’m certain.

Baby Sitter

At the end of the day, at least the cat will not invite its boyfriend over or spend the entire time its babysitting on social media with said boyfriend in the midst of an argument because he will not or cannot come over to visit once the kids go to bed. By the way, where are the kids? The cat would know, that’s for certain.

Food Taster

Cats love food, and they love food that’s not theirs. This means that cats would make very good food testers. If you have a ham on the counter for Easter, the cat will taste it. If your kids leave a bowl of ice cream unattended at the bar because they have to go potty, the cat will taste it. We believe cats would make amazing food testers, and they’d probably never ask for a raise or complain about their job, either.

Mattress Tester

If ever someone needs to test a mattress to tell if it’s too soft or firm or if it’s just right, we vote for the cat. These animals are quite proficient at this particular job and we think it is because they so good on their feet. You can throw them, toss them or let them jump from something like the ceiling fan on which they were clinging as they attempted to see what the dog was doing without becoming too close.

Paper Towel Tester

Here’s a good one for a cat. If you need someone to test out paper towels on, we recommend the cat. This particular animal loves to jump on counters and bat things right off the side causing giant messes and massive damage to floors, glass and all things that find their way to the top of the counter. We think that you have the perfect showroom right here.

Therapist

Cats are good at this job, and they’re not even going to ask if you have insurance or not. They’re good at listening. They make you feel heard. They don’t judge you or ask you to lower your voice or tell you that you’re being completely ridiculous or even remotely stupid. No, they do not. They tell you that you are wonderful and amazing with the look in their eye. At least that’s what we tell ourselves.

Masseuse

If your cat has never attempted to give you a massage, you are not a good cat owner. All good cats like to get on their people and knead and paw and walk and make themselves comfortable, and this is a great indication that this animal will make a wonderful masseuse. We think that they could do this better than some of the people we’ve met along the way, too.

Husband

What a great job for a cat. I don’t say this out of experience, since I’m actually married to a great guy who is nothing like the one I’m about to describe if the articles and the facebook statuses of other wives can be believed. However, all the cat has to do is come home, sit down, drink something, eat something and remain oddly silent while staring at a television screen before licking itself and making its way to the bathroom and bed at some point during the night. I’m going to go out on a limb here and say that this job sounds miserable and that these women might need to raise their standards a bit (a lot).

Model

It is, quite literally, the perfect job for a cat. Cats are cute. They are photogenic. So why not use them to be models. There are a number of people in the world we feel would be better off replaced by cats in their ads. Who need Justin Bieber modeling Calvin Klein underpants in the almost nude when we could have an adorable kitten doing the exact same thing? Oh, well, okay, maybe we do get that one a bit.

Lawyer

Lawyers; the people who are there to make sure that you know they are right and you are wrong and they will argue their case until they win and someone is set free or put in prison. Cats; the animals that are so unmoved by your words they will have you second guessing everything you say and do for the remainder of the night until you change your mind and do exactly what the cat wants you to do. Actually, maybe we should change this one to mind controllers of the future. It seems a bit more accurate.

Photo by Sean Gallup/Getty Images

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