20 Times You Wish Your Cat Could Talk

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Cats are crazy animals we all love and sometimes love to hate. I know with certainty that there are times in which my cat makes me so crazy I can’t even remember why we got him and other times I love him so much he’s like a fifth child to me. But I always with that tiny little creature could talk to me. For one, it would really put me at ease when he’s giving me that look. You know the one; the one in which you know he’s thinking I’m a total moron. On second thought, perhaps I don’t really want to know what he has to say. But there are a few instances in which I would love it if my cat would open his mouth and just share the news.

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When it Comes to Bugs

When it comes to bugs, I do wish the cat might mention a few things. For example, we have pest control regularly come to our home and often have to call them in between, and I’d like to know where they do come from when they get in. I have a sneaking suspicion that someone in our house already knows the answer to this, but his frequent meows aren’t doing the trick in telling me where they’re getting in.

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To Settle Disputes

When the kids are all, “She did it,” “No way! She did it,” and the cat is sitting there with what appears to be his eyebrows raised and a slight shake of his head going on, I would love for him to speak up and tell me what the heck just happened. That’s right, people. I discipline my kids for being tattle-tales, but I would like for my cat to turn into my tiny little furry informant. Don’t judge me.

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To Explain Why

Why did you urinate on our bed when you have a litter box and spent the day outside after escaping of your own volition? Why did you get onto the countertop and lick the chicken right in front of me when you knew I wouldn’t like it? Why do you do all the things you do that drive me completely insane and crazy knowing that I have the power to handle you in a second? Why do you make me crazy? More important, explain to me why we continue to keep you when you do these things.

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To Remind us about the Litter Box

Sometimes it’s easy to forget to clean the litter box when you are so busy taking care of everyone else’s potty needs on a regular basis. Help me with this, I need more toilet paper, did I clean enough? We have two 1-year-olds that aren’t potty trained and therefore need their little bottoms changed regularly, and with all the tiny hineys in our house, one more is easily forgotten. If the cat could just mention fresh litter would be nice, life would be simpler.

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To Mention He’s Hungry

Again, between feeding four kids, myself when I remember, my husband and half the people that seem to think that our door is always open and they’re welcome at any time (I mean, they are, but it wouldn’t seem right if we didn’t complain), it’s easy to forget who fed the cat last sometimes. In fact, sometimes we will assume one or the other fed that cat that morning, but it was actually the morning before, and the kitty is a little hungry by the time we figure this out.

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To Tell us What Happened While we Were Away

Did anyone come to the door? Did you see any bugs? How were things? We need to know this. Did the fire alarms beep at any point? Because if they did, it would be nice to know now instead of when they decide to do that again at 3 am while we’re all sleeping and exhausted from a trip or a long day or whatever it is. So if you could just mention that really quickly, that would be great kitty.

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To Explain who Started it

Who did start it? Who did start feeding you food from the table when we were not looking and cause you to gain 10 pounds of God only knows what (or whether or not it’s even safe for you to consume)? Tell us these things kitty. Be an informant. Yeah right. Like the cat is going to  hand over the hand that literally feeds it when we are not looking. Traitor.

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To Tell us Why he Scratched the Couch

For a minute before he was declawed and suddenly decided that now that we had brand new leather furniture he’d make the new reclining couch his personal scratching post, we didn’t worry about this. But that couch came in and suddenly the cat had to be declawed because he was destroying it. Why, cat? Why? Why would you do such a terrible, awful, no-good, very bad thing? Because you hate us? Because you seem to love sitting on this, so you’d think you’d care for it.

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To Tell us Why he Hissed at a Child

The good news is that our cat doesn’t hiss at our kids. It’s like he has this sixth sense that upsetting them in this nature will find him in the bottom of a toy stroller being pushed around wearing a princess dress and a hat as punishment. Or maybe it’s just because he secretly likes when the girls do those things, because he never runs from them, ever. But sometimes he hisses at other kids. And I need to know what those kids are doing to upset him; for various reasons.

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To Explain the Lure of Tearing Apart the Under Part of our Bed

There is this black stuff that’s underneath the box spring portion of our bed. And the cat has made it his mission to tear it open so he can get up into it for hiding. That I get. And while I’m happy he’s never touched the gorgeous actual frame of our bed – then I’d probably actually kill him – I’d like to know why the bottom of the bed looks like a war zone if you get down on the floor and look under there. Just, why?

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To Make Life Easier in General

If I could ask the cat what it was that I said yesterday when I was walking around the house saying things like, “We need….” then my life would be a breeze. He seems to be the only one that listens to me, anyway. Oh, I’m sorry. Please allow me to rephrase that. He certainly does not listen to me, but he hears me, and it would be nice if he could remind me of things I’m forgetting in the moment. I know he knows.

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To Tell us What he Sees Outside

He sometimes chases things around the house from door to door and window to window and he makes a huge deal of it, and we’d love to know what it is he is chasing around that we cannot see. It would make us a little bit less worried at times that he’s chasing a serial killer or something of that nature around. If he could just say to us, “It’s a lizard, chill out,” that would be exceptionally helpful at times.

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To Tell us Where PRECISELY he Wants to be Pet

He wants to be pet, but where? That’s the million dollar question. He’s up in our junk all the time glaring at us and moving around so we pet him somewhere different, but he cannot quite explain to us what it is he wants from our hands or where he wants it, and sometimes that is a total drag. If he could just let us know, life would be a bit easier and we’d probably pet him longer.

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To Debate his Desire to be in our Bed

We don’t let kids in our bed, and we certainly do not want a cat in our bed. We have a big house with plenty of space for the cat to find a sleeping location of his own. But he always wants to find his way into our bed in the middle of the night. And by into our bed, I clearly mean he wants to find his way into our bed onto my head in the middle of the night. Can’t say I love it, but I can say I’d like to know why.

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To Debate his Desire to Lie on my Feet at Night

Every single night when the kids go to bed and we sit down with a glass of wine, he finds my feet. It doesn’t matter if we are on the outdoor screened in patio, the couch with the reclining feet up or in our bed. He wants to be on top of my feet at all times. And no one else, ever. Just mine, all the time. It’s like the cat has a weird and crazed obsession with my toes and I do not get it. I’d like him to explain this to me.

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To Understand me when I Say Move

I know he gets it when I tell him to get out of my way. He won’t do it, but I’d like for him to at least communicate the reasons with me. For instance, why do you seem to always know in advance where I’m going and what I need to do so that you can beat me there and take over the space that I need to get things done?

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To Discuss New Babies

When we brought home our middle daughter, the cat was a little surprised. When we brought home the twins, the cat was a little scared. What is happening is what he looked to think, but it would have been nice to have been able to discuss it with him. It would have been nice to answer his questions instead of constantly shooing him away from their furniture and their belongings – and their bodies.

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To Discuss Old Babies

There is a chance that I would like to hear my cat’s opinion on our kids. I’d like for him to mention how he feels about them. I’d like to know which one is his favorite. I’d like to know if he really seems to enjoy the torture they implement into his life as much as he seems to enjoy it. Honestly, I want to know why he is so sadistic and crazy.

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To Clean up Messes

I’d like to know why he can’t clean up after himself. I mean, there are times when he gets so excited about his food (probably those days we think the other fed him that morning and did not) that he seems to inhale the food without remembering to do simple things like actually chew the food. And then he vomits the food up in the most inconvenient places; like my house. I’d like for him to discuss this with me. If he can’t help it, it’s still gross, but I get it. We all get sick and sometimes convenience is not possible. But at least he could MENTION it to me before one of the twins finds it or I step in it, right?

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To Tell us What’s Up

I feel as if our cat would make a much better watch dog than a dog, if only he could speak to us. So I feel it would be amazing if he could just open up and let us know what’s up from time to time so that we could have a greater understanding of one another. I’d like it. He’d like it. So if he could just get on that for us, it would be really amazing and convenient.

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