10 Things Your Cat Does that Would get a Human Arrested

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We all think our cats are adorable, hilarious and so sweet, even when they’re being totally creepy and absolutely weird. It’s what humans do; we think that anything covered in fur and small enough to carry around is adorable. When the cat glares at you as if he wishes you would disappear into oblivion, we think it’s sweet. When he climbs onto our laps and rubs his face against us, we love it. When he is creepy and gets in bed with us and pushes us out of our comfort zone, we love it. But what if, just what if, people did the same thing? Suddenly all those things our cats do seem less adorable and a heck of a lot creepier; I mean, really creepy. Just think about it. Think about the last thing your cat did, and picture a human doing it. He’s probably going to get arrested. So just what is it that our cats do that would probably send the rest of us straight to jail? Read on to find out.

Jumping off of high furniture onto people

My cat loves to get onto the fridge in the kitchen and jump down on top of people when they walk by him into the garage or the laundry room. He thinks this is the best thing that ever happened in his life, and the rest of us are a little freaked out by it. We’ve learned to keep an eye up there as we walk by, but imagine if people did that just for fun. It would likely increase the number of heart attacks suffered by the general public, and it would not be good.

Licking your own body in public

Is there even a reason I need to go on? There is absolutely nothing that sounds like it would be all right in terms of licking yourself in public. Do it one time. Just once; stick your leg in the air and start licking yourself and someone is calling the nearest police offer over to investigate.

Rubbing up against strangers

We might accidentally graze someone in a busy restaurant or bar, in a store or boarding a flight, but the second you purposely rub yourself around the legs of a stranger, it’s game over. Someone is calling the law and you’re not going to make it through the night without an

Crawling into people’s laps

It’s cute when the cat does it, but the first time you get into a stranger’s lap at a dinner party, someone is going to get upset. Chances are it’s going to be a significant other and you’re going to end up the victim of a fight or in jail for violence.

Licking people

I would hope none of you would go around randomly licking people in an effort to show your love and affection. I’d hope that you’d find this a bit on the disgusting side, but I guess cats don’t. It’s how they show their love and affection, and it’s cute. But I’d recommend that you refrain from licking the public in an effort to show affection. It’s not going to end well. In fact, it’s probably going to end in a restraining order.

Stalking small animals in the yard

In a word, it’s creepy. Finding you lying in the grass ready to pounce on the next bird that goes by, it’s not good. Try not to do this or you’re going to look like someone with an issue that needs to be addressed by the nearest person in uniform in the nearest room without an exit. It would be our advice that you try not to stalk small animals in the yard unless they are snakes, in which case you should get rid of them as soon as possible so that there are fewer of them in the world to make me feel nervous and scared. That is all, thank you very much.

Sitting in the window watching the neighbors for hours on end

This is called stalking and it is illegal in every state. At least, I’m certain it’s illegal in every state. Keep that in mind and stay out of the neighbor’s windows and you’ll be all right. In fact, do not follow the neighbors or check out the interior of their home without invitation at any point and you should be fine. And stay off their porch. It’s a good idea to just stay home. And no peeking, either.

Laying on the floor attacking hair ties

It’s not that this illegal or anything of that nature, but it’s absolutely just a little bit weird. Maybe not creepy, but weird in a way that’s not normal, so people will likely think that there is something wrong with you. There might be phone calls and questions and tests and there is a chance you’d be meeting with many, many doctors over the course of the next few weeks.

Eating off someone’s plate when they turn away from the table for a second

So here’s the thing about this, we all do it. But the difference is that when we steal a fry off someone’s plate and they don’t notice, it’s mostly okay. Probably rude and uncouth, but all right. As long as you don’t sit on the table and pick the food up off someone else’s plate with your mouth, you’re probably all right. Do it that way, however, and you’ve got some issues.

Getting in bed with someone in the middle of the night and laying on their chest

It might sound sweet and very loving, but it’s very creepy to some people. Mostly, this is creepy to people that you don’t know, other couples and most everyone that is not married to you, dating you or spending the night with you. If the person with whom you’d like to get in bed with is not a person of that nature, it’s someone that you probably should not get into bed with. I’m just saying.

Photo by David Paul Morris/Getty Images

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